Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
