I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize