i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
