So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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