plz talk dirty to me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
