You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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