I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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