I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
