I accidentally had phone sex last night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
