There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
