dude i'm inner monologue high
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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