I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
