i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am spending my child support on dildos
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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