Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
