Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
