Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
