The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
