I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
