I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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