come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize