I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
