Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
