i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
