My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
