Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize