dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize