What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
