did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
