do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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