I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
