Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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