I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
