btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
