She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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