I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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