sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
