how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
