my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
