Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
