I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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