I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
