There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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