Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
