Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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