Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
