yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
bring money and cleavage
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
