She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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