just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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