at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
