we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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