I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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