im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
