I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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