I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
