Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
