she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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