You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
