my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
