It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
