On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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