just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
