I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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