he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
